


I Have a Pair of Hands

by thebabytiger



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, inspired by a thing on Tumblr, which was too funny not to use as a prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-10
Updated: 2015-02-10
Packaged: 2018-03-11 11:43:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3326141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebabytiger/pseuds/thebabytiger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by a post on Tumblr: http://freyreh.tumblr.com/post/110500556495/well-this-isnt-the-first-time-my-dash-has</p><p>Regina has a pair of hands; Emma has a butt. What a coincidence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Have a Pair of Hands

Regina can tell the instant that the pirate walks into the police station, the scent of rum, cheap leather, and brine following him in and making her lip curl in distaste. It’s hidden a moment later, of course, because the almost thirty years she spent as a politician are almost (almost) more ingrained in her than what she had learned at any point in her formative years in the Enchanted Forest. Besides, she is trying this new thing where she tries not to be quite as open about how utterly repugnant she finds the pirate, and also this other new thing where she tries not to spend too much time wondering how she ever managed to stomach the stench of him enough to even pretend at seduction. Clearly, both are going well, even as she hides a small shiver of disgust. 

Hook doesn’t see her though, so her efforts to be polite are almost pointless. She is seated, purely by accident, out of sight against the wall of the police station, shifting uncomfortably in a cheap chair pretending to be engrossed in a budget report while Emma tries to gather herself enough for the two women to have their weekly meeting. Regina is, of course, early (by nearly 30 minutes) so it’s not a surprise that the blonde is far from ready, but even though Regina had groused and grumbled about the delay both women know that this is simply Regina’s way of finding time to see Emma more often, even if under the pretense of work. Which is exactly why Regina doesn’t feel quite so bad that she’s staring as the sheriff bends over to pick up a pen she’s dropped, clumsy little adorable idiot that she is, and therefore leaving the whole of her tight-denim clad behind on display for Regina’s wandering eyes. 

And those of the pirate, who stops dead a few feet into the room to join in the stare-fest. Regina fights the urge to retch.

"Swan," Killian says in greeting, forcing his feet to move forward into what he thinks is a suave swagger but is really closer to the look of someone who is both drunk and not used to dry land (both of which are likely accurate, come to think of it).

Emma straightens up, turning to face Hook, and gives Regina a slightly panicked look over the pirate’s shoulder. The man doesn’t notice, because of course why would he choose to do so now, but Regina most certainly does. Her response comes in the form of an incredibly sweet, but ultimately useless, smile, crimson lips curved into a shape that barely hides the slight glee she feels at the blonde’s misfortune. Regina has made no secret about the utter distain she has for the pirate, and for the pirate’s idea that he and Emma will somehow become romantically involved, and for Emma’s idea that she has to be nice about putting him off. No, if Emma wants to be rid of the pirate, it is up to her to do so. 

"Killian, hi," Emma says after a minute pause. "Did you need me for something?"

"Your posterior looks quite good in those trousers, Swan," Killian says. "I’ll admit I had come in here for something else but when I entered the room I knew that the scene that greeted me was no mistake."

"What? Ugh, Killian, no. Please do not tell me you were staring at my ass," Emma practically yelps, eyes sliding to Regina again, whose smile has widened noticeably. The brunette is clearly no Snow White, and nor will she ever be, and she is simply having too much fun enjoying the show to have any interest in rescuing the floundering blonde.

"Why not, Swan?" Hook wants to know. "You have a… butt," he says the word after an awkward pause, clearly trying to use the more modern term despite the strange feeling of it on his lips, "And I have a pair of, well, not a pair, but I do have a hand. It’s quite the coincidence. Just like your earlier display, if you catch my drift." He makes a vaguely grabby motion with his one good hand, using the hook on his other arm to add emphasis to his words. Regina only just manages to silence the very real retching noise that makes its way up her throat as she gags, and can only watch as Emma echos the action, clearly horrified. 

"No, I don’t catch your drift," she gasps out, looking much paler than normal. "And we, we are not doing this right now. Are not doing this ever."

"Come on, Swan," Hook seems a little frustrated that his seduction isn’t going quite so smoothly. "Can’t we just both be adults about this and admit our attraction for each other? I understand a lady’s desire to be proper but I think we are well past such things when they so clearly serve no purpose."

She will perhaps regret this later, as the pirate will likely come sniffing around again, but Regina can’t help but take pity on the blonde Sheriff. This whole situation had gotten wildly out of hand remarkably quickly, and while Regina is no Snow White, she does have to admit that Storybrooke has softened her. Barely. 

"I believe the only thing that serves no purpose here is you, Captain," she says from her chair, forcing Hook’s attention to the woman who has been behind him the whole time. She doesn’t get up, doesn’t move the papers on her lap, merely eyeing him over the top of a budget report with a single raised eyebrow. Her eyes glitter with dark amusement as the man before her suddenly loses his swagger. "Unless you would like to bring up a comment or concern regarding the monthly and quarterly expenditures for the Sheriff’s department? I was just about to address these matters with Sheriff Swan in our weekly meeting, which is regrettably delayed, but would be more than happy to allow you to delay it further in order for you to air your no-doubt legitimate concerns on the topic." The smile she offers him is a wide, plastic politician’s smile, even more sinister than the one she had offered to Emma not moments ago. 

"Regina." He swallows hard. "No, I am certain that Sheriff Swan does a more than exemplary job in regards to the Department’s finances. I was merely stopping by on a matter of unrelated business that is not at all urgent, and was unaware that the good Sheriff had a meeting to attend. I’ll, uh, just be off. Swan, perhaps you and I can discuss this matter some other time."

"I believe Sheriff Swan indicated that she was not inclined to discuss the ‘matter’ now, or ever, for that matter, Captain," Regina points out before Emma can even open her mouth. Regain had been plenty happy to let Emma handle things before, but now that she has stepped into the fray, she’s finding that a more possessive, Evil Queen, side of herself is out for blood. She can’t bring herself to care enough to rein it in. 

"Right." Hook looks utterly pathetic in that moment, like a wilted, oily, leather-clad, drunk and smelly flower left out in the sun without water for too long. The metaphor is horrific, but then again, so is the reality. "Swan. Regina." He gives a short bow to each of them in turn before practically running out the door.

"It wouldn’t kill you to help bail me out every now and then, Regina," Emma whines when the dust has settled and both women have managed to wrap their minds around the whole event. "It would certainly have saved this whole mess."

"Dear, if I bailed you out of everything I would have no time for anything else," the former Evil Queen shoots back at her with hardly a thought, finally placing her budget reports aside as she stands, sauntering over to the blonde in the slow tap and clack of stilettos.

"Oh very funny," Emma says, pouting as Regina gets nice and close, well within her space bubble, without much thought. It’s rare for her to be quite so close, for all that they have spent their whole acquaintance invading each other’s personal space, especially given the changes to their relationship and more importantly the very public place they were both in. "Regina?" the blonde asks, the question high pitched in surprise as the brunette wraps her arms around the Sheriff’s waist. 

"Yes, Miss Swan?" Regina replies, with a cross arch of her eyebrow, though she moves little else.

"What if someone else comes in here?"

"There’s hardly ever anyone in here, I should think we’re safe." The accompanying eyeroll explains exactly what she thinks of the concern. 

"Okay, well…" Emma shifts in her arms awkwardly, clearly not magically relaxing just because Regina feels the concern is unwarranted. "What are we doing, then?"

Regina swallows a wicked laugh as a response comes to mind. “Well I had a few thoughts come to mind.”

"Oh?"

"Mmm," the brunette confirms wordlessly. Then, forcing every ounce of breathy innocence into her voice as possible, she allows her hands to slip from the Sheriff’s waist and into the back pockets of sinfully tight denim. "You have a butt and I have a pair of hands. Gosh, what a coincidence." Even forced innocence can’t hold out long against the involuntary smirk that forms on painted lips as she parrots the pirate's words back to the blonde.

Emma groans. “Oh god, that is hands down the worst thing you have ever said to me, Regina!” she exclaims, making a feeble attempt to step out of the Mayor’s embrace. 

"Is it?" The smirk widens.

"Yes." Emma sounds adamant. "But no," she relents with a heavy sigh moments later. "I mean, it is quite the coincidence, isn’t it?"

"Indeed it is, Miss Swan," Regina allows as crimson lips meet the blonde’s sudden, goofy smile.


End file.
